If Monty Python were still on . . .
Cast: Officer - John Cleese, Monk 1 - Graham Chapman, Monk 2 - Eric Idle, Monk 3 - Terry Gilliam
Fade In
Scene: Bare office with 1950s metal desk and chair. An officer sits behind desk and wears Chinese Red Army uniform. Two stacks of paper and a rubber stamp and ink pad are in front of him on the desk. A sign on the desk says “Reincarnation Bureau”. Three tibetan monks in saffron robes enter the office.
Officer moves papers back and forth from piles, skims each one, turns it upside down and then rubber stamps each.
Monk 1: “Yes, sir most honorable comrade officer minister of reincarnation, we have travelled far to receive our reincarnation assignments. We have lived virtuous, chaste and ascetic lives. We are dying and are now prepared now to ascend to higher level.”
Officer stops stamping, opens desk drawer and removes form which unfolds and spills across the desk onto the floor.
Officer: “Yes, yes, I see. Hmm. Well, you must first fill out Form 2299536893678b in triplicate, which must then be mailed to the regional office of Reincarnation but not before mailing the original to the Glorious People’s Religious Allocation Office. And of course copies must be mailed at least 5 years in advance to Beijing for approval by the Glorious Comrades of Philosophical Disputes. And that, of course, will take at least three years for their decision, which will then be channeled to the appropriate departments of the Red Poppy of Decision branches.”
Monk 1: “Thank you comrade gracious officer, but we have been told that we have less than one month to live as we were sentenced to sludge removal at the toothpaste factories for our allowing Richard Gere to visit our monastery. We are deeply in need of your help . . .
Officer: So very sorry, old chap, but in order to request my assistance in expediting this matter you’ll have to fill out Form 3034920392309420-2394-023A, which of course must be sent to this office three months prior to your appointment.
Officer begins to rubber stamp papers again. Monks become agitated and talk to each other in whispers.
Monk 2: “Uh, excuse me glorious and magnificent comrade officer, is there, say, anything that you might like to have, that would help us with our reincarnation?”
Officer stops, strokes his chin and looks off into distance, thinking. A few seconds pass.
Officer: “No, no. Can’t think of anything.”
Monk 1 (indignantly): “Now officer, this is absolutely ridiculous! We’re dying. Now. We absolutely cannot wait. We must have those reincarnation assignments now! How can you deny us what only God may give us!
Officer stops, tilts his head to the right, squints and sighs: “Well, we do have a few assignments here that are for emergency use only. But if you tell anyone where they came from, I’ll have your reincarnations revoked and you’ll be left in twisting in the ether, so to speak.”
Monks 1,2 & 3 profusely thank him.
Monk 2: “You are most kind and honorable, glorious, magnificent and sensual comrade.”
Officer removes paper from desk drawer: “Here we go. The emergency assignments are a piece of extruded limestone, an igneous slab, and a piece of silica. There. Take your pick.”
The monks recoil in shock.
Monk 1: But glorious comrade, those are not living creatures. We must be assigned as living creatures. Those are rocks! They are not alive!”
Officer stands and waves the paper around: “Well, what did you expect from an emergency reincarnation grant? A parrot? Oh, and I suppose not just any parrot. I suppose you want the Norwegian Blue!”
Monk 3 steps forward and smiles: “Excuse me sir, but I’ll take a banana if you’ve got it.”
Fade Out.
